Year in Review: 2013

My running shoes

 I am not big on looking back but this year seemed like one to review. A lot of really important stuff happened. We got pregnant, we had our 10th wedding anniversary, and we both turned a whole year older than before. Ha Ha. Here are the highlights of 2013.

Nothing of great note took place during the first part of 2013.

I started running and working out on a regular basis with one of the woman in my ward in early February. We would lift weights at her gym, run the trail behind my house, and twice a week we would complete a workout video together. Sometimes we would sit in the hot tub afterwards. I started dropping weight and losing inches.

 Andy and I also changed the things and the ways that we had been eating. We were detoxing from our previous on-the-run lifestyle of the past years. I started finding my way as a stay at home wife and Andy started to have success in his profession. He wrote a new code that was well received by his company and started collaborating on papers with fellow co-workers.

I went to Utah in February with a friend. I was able to go back to Logan and check on our condo as well as see my old office and co-workers. While I was there I met with an herbalist who gave me some really good advice. She suggested that I learn more about hypothyroidism and made some other suggestions regarding my health. At the time I thought she was a total crackpot but once I got home I did some research and found out that she was very knowledgeable and spot on. 

Andy and I settled into a nice comfortable routine. We worked during the week and went and saw local sites on the weekends. I started volunteering with the church and with a local organization called Survivors of Torture that assists displaced torture victims and asylum seekers from war torn foreign countries. The work that Survivors does is truly important and it was nice to play a tiny part in it.

Us at a Survivors Event

Because I was feeling so good and felt that I was making a lot of personal progress on my goals I decided to reopen the infertility door. In April we went to Reproductive Partners the top IVF clinic in San Diego and one of the best in the state of California. It was not cheap, but we felt like it was time for some answers. As many of you know I have undergone two separate fertility related surgeries in our quest to have a family. The first was in August 2011 where a large mass was removed and the second was in May 2012, where my right ovary and fallopian tube was removed out of necessity. I had taken all sorts of drugs, some turned things off, and some turned things on, and others well, they just made me crazy.


 After speaking with the doctors at UCSD and undergoing their tests we were advised that our best option was IVF but we could try a round of Clomid first if we wanted. The prognosis was poor, the treatments were invasive and they would be expensive. In short, we could keep chasing the rainbow, but it was going to cost us. I will never forget sitting in that doctor's office as she explained all the reasons she felt were contributing factors to our inability to conceive. It was so hard to hear them listed out like that. She basically stated that I could get pregnant but due to the scaring and other factors I was unlikely to stay pregnant. Without significant medical intervention I would miscarry. It was hard to hear.

Us on Andy's Birthday

We left the clinic with more information and questions than we had before. In a totally uncharacteristic move for us we decided to ignore the problem and stop giving it so much power over our lives. I changed my prayers from "please Lord allow... and/or grant..." to "please Lord help me to accept..." and life continued on. 

As we pondered what to do we found out that Andy's work was dropping the infertility portion of his health insurance in July and if we wanted to keep that coverage we would have to pay for it out of pocket. This was disappointing as having coverage had played a part in accepting this particular job offer.

In May Andy turned 32 years old. He got a fancy new razor and I made his favorite dinner BLT's light on the Lettuce and heavy on the Bacon. I even made him his own cheesecake.

Our tree 10 years later

 In July we traveled to Utah to visit relatives. We spent a few days camping with my family in Dry Fork Canyon a few miles outside of Vernal. While we were in Utah we were able to see both sides of the family and visit the spot that we had gotten engaged at 10 years earlier. The tree that Andy carved on is still standing and our initials are still clearly visible. It was so nice that we were able to find the spot again and take an updated picture ten years later. Things have changed considerably since that time so finding the tree was no small task. It was a nice moment.

This trip was especially poignant as Andy and I were both keenly aware that life for others was moving on and we were getting left behind. It was hard to see nieces and nephews getting married and having children. As we drove home from Utah we decided that we should seriously pursue adopting a child. Neither one of us felt good about undergoing more medical treatment with no guarantees that any of it would work at least with adoption we would end up with a child.

Baby Spencer's 1st photo

Upon returning from Utah I went to see a new doctor who specialized in metabolic disorders. We had just shared my entire medical history from A-Z when she casually mentioned she wanted me to take a urine screen as I was a new patient and it was her standard procedure.(You can read more about this in my post entitled "Patiently Awaiting PieDay 2014)

We were pregnant!! It was hard to believe and truthfully I didn't believe it until the first ultrasound in August from that point on the pregnancy became very real and I became very scared that I would miscarry. I could hardly sleep and I could barely eat anything. At the next checkup I told the doctor about my fears and some of my symptoms. She was very sympathetic and helped me deal with my anxiety by giving me information so I felt more empowered. I was then told that my dizzy spells were pregnancy related and it would be best if I did not drive unattended. (This basically meant I could no longer drive since Andy works during the day when I would be driving) Luckily, various ladies from Relief Society were willing to help me and for their assistance I will be eternally grateful.

Desree and her kids come to visit

Andy the Surfer

In August my best friend Desree and her kids came to visit us on their way home from Disneyland. It was so much fun seeing them again and being able to show them around town. They are the first people who have come to visit us since we moved here in August 2012.


 Andy went to Japan in September for work for a week. I was invited to go with him but in light of the pregnancy we decided I would stay home. I think this was a good choice because Andy had a hard time eating while he was there. I can only imagine how I would have fared. He was able to make some important work connections and he was able to see some of the local sites and he ate all kinds of strange foods. When he returned the first thing he wanted was a hamburger. This trip lead to some useful collaborations with people he met at the conference and he was also able to write and publish a paper with his findings a few months later.

The pregnancy progressed along and other than my daily dizzy spells things seemed to be fine and all was well with the baby. In November we found out that we were expecting

Andy working in Japan

Andy in Japan

a Girl! I am convinced that no one on earth could have been more excited about this than Andy was! He had told me for years that he played with a little girl in his dreams and he told me way before we got pregnant that if we had a child he wanted it to be a girl. He was over the moon.

Our Baby Girl

The dizziness kept getting worse and I was put on bed rest for the month of November as my blood pressure was really high but eventually it stabilized. Unfortunately, I gained 10 pounds during that month and my doctor was pretty concerned and warned me not to gain anymore weight. I did what I could but at the next checkup I had gained 5 pounds. I then underwent some standardized tests for pregnant woman and  I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes in mid-December and at the present time I am on a very strict diet and test my blood sugar four times a day by pricking my finger.

Me on my 33rd birthday

This is something I could never have done before I got pregnant but somehow I can do anything if it is for this baby. Loving my unborn child has been a small glimpse into what it must be like for Heavenly Father to love us as his children. There is nothing you won't do for them. I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to experience pregnancy with all of it's ups and downs. There is nothing like feeling a baby move inside your body. I am honored to have been allowed to feel all the feelings I have during this pregnancy. It has been especially neat to be pregnant at Christmas time, each hymn seems to take on a new meaning when you can imagine what Mary may have felt like.

I turned 33 in December. We celebrated by having dinner at Red Lobster and picking up a piece of sheet cake from Vons.

 We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on December 20. The 20th was also the first day of our 3rd trimester. We celebrated both occasions
 by going to Outback Steakhouse and having dinner. We then returned home and watched our wedding video. I am amazed at how different we both look. It was a nice quiet evening filled with memories and snuggling. We had talked about going to Catalina Island and staying the night but riding a ferry to an island and being on on island while you are very pregnant just did not seem like a very good idea.

Christmas loot 2013

My new Stand mixer!!

Christmas was also very quiet this year as well. This was our year to travel home but we felt that it was in our best interest to stay close to home just in case. It was a strange Christmas as it was 83 degrees and sunny. We were able to Skype and call friends and family throughout the day which was a nice way to share in everyone's celebrations. We got Sonicare toothbrushes, Andy got some new clothes (which he needed) and I got a Kitchen-aid Stand mixer in my favorite color blue!! I have wanted one since we were married and I have talked myself out of buying one multiple times over the years. It was a very nice and thoughtful gift from my loving husband.

Unwrapped Christmas Loot

Our Stockings this year.

We recognize that we have been exceedingly blessed. We have our health. Andy has a good career in a field that he loves and we have sufficient for our needs. We have the comfort and peace of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to guide and bless our lives. We have good friends here in California who care about us and our well being. It is nice to be surrounded by people who have tread the path you are about to walk down and who are willing to help and offer guidance.

We are so excited for the New Year. We cannot wait to welcome Baby Girl Spencer into our family in March  and we know that life will never be the same. We wish you all well and sincerely hope that 2014 is the best year yet!! Feel free to check the blog for updates and baby photos we will more than likely post more here than on Facebook as I have a bit more control over this format.

Jury Duty

Yesterday in the mail, Andy received a summons for jury duty in November.

 It reminded me of an experience I had at jury duty earlier this summer. I was summoned to appear for jury duty in September the same week that Andy would be in Japan. This was not going to work for me as I was advised by my doctor not to drive because I was experiencing minor dizzy spells due to the pregnancy, so  I decided that I would report a month early.

I was excited! I have never served on a jury before. I have been a witness many times, but never had I been a juror. I was probably one of the only people who went to the downtown courthouse that day thinking that sitting on a jury could be a neat and desirable experience.

 One of the ladies in my ward happened to have been summoned to jury duty during the same time frame so I was fortunate enough to be able to go with her. As a caseworker I went to court at least twice a week so I feel very comfortable in a courthouse environment. This courthouse is huge! It covers a city block and I have no idea how many floors there are but it is a high rise building.I made it as far as the twelfth floor.

The morning passed very uneventfully. My friend was called to report to one of the first groups and I was left to read a book on my Kindle. At lunchtime we were released and given and hour and half to eat and return to the jury room. I had a delicious Steak and Cheese Subway sandwich and we walked a few blocks to a Gelato shop.

I had a most delicious cup of chocolate gelato and we enjoyed the sunshine and the sounds of downtown as we walked back to the courthouse. It felt like old times for me and I was enjoying it.

 After lunch I went back to reading my Kindle and she returned to her courtroom. After about an hour my name was called as part of a screening procedure for a two week criminal trial. I reported to the room and answered their questions. I informed the woman that I was about 10 weeks pregnant as she asked if I had any sort of medical conditions and she stated that pregnancy did not qualify as a medical condition and certified me as a possible juror and I was sent back to the jury room.

My friend returned and informed me she was excused from service and as we were talking I was assigned to report to a courtroom. She decided she was going to leave for home and I made arrangements for Andy to come pick me up at the end of his workday.

I could not believe my luck, a two week criminal trial! How exciting! I reported to the courtroom with about 60 other people and we waited. They assigned us a number and told us they would be seating us soon. At this point I felt it would be a good idea to find a restroom so I asked the man assigning numbers if we could leave and directions to the nearest restroom. Some other ladies expressed the same interest and off we went.

The restroom was located down a really long hall and around a corner from the courtroom we had been assigned to. When I arrived back to the courtroom they were seating us so I hurried and took my place between two other potential jurors. I was one seat from a very large court bailiff who guarded the door.

I'm still not sure what happened next...

As the judge introduced  himself and shared the basics of the case I became very warm and I started having a very panicky feeling, the room started a slow spin, I need to get out of that room ASAP! It was too hot! I was going to vomit.

 As I assessed my options, I decided my best bet was to discretely vomit into my purse so I took out my phone and other valuables and tried to stay calm by concentrating on my breathing. It must have been pretty loud because the bailiff looked over at me and asked me if I was OK. I shook my head and motioned towards the door. I can only imagine what I looked like, but it was bad enough that he got the attention of the judge who brought the proceedings to a halt and let me leave the room.

Once in the hallway, I became frantic, I knew there was no way I was going to make it to the restroom! It was then I saw a trashcan and decided that it was my best bet and I vomited in front of the judge and anyone else who happened to be walking by.

I tried to regain my composure as quickly as I could knowing full well people were staring at me. I wanted to cry from the embarrassment but somehow I held it together and returned to my seat in the courtroom and tried to act normal.

The judge started asking people if they had valid reasons why they could not serve on the jury and as I listened to their answers the second wave of nausea hit me like a freight train. It was at this point I decided to give up on serving on this jury. My hand shot up, and after what felt like eternity the judge called on me,

"Juror number 32, what is the reason you cannot serve on this jury?

"I'm pregnant". "I have no control over my body anymore."
The judge turned to the lawyers sitting on both side of him and asked,

"Any objections to me releasing juror number 32 from jury service at this time?"  They replied, "None, your honor."

"Juror number 32, you are excused, thank you for your service, and congratulations."

"Thanks your honor."

The doors to the courtroom did not even have time to close behind me as I ran down the forever long hall to the ladies room. I just barely made it. The second wave was worse than the first. I was crying and hugging the toilet when a woman with red shoes asked me if I was alright.

"I'm pregnant and having the worst day of my life, other than that I'm alright."
"I've been there, I have two kids of my own." " You need some fresh air,it will help."

A few moments later I was back on my feet and the red shoe lady had flagged down a bailiff. She instructed him to take me to the elevators and help me get outside to the street level. I thanked her and followed him as I had no idea where I was and I was very dizzy and lightheaded. He was very nice and told me he had a wife and a one year old daughter. He made sure I made it to the ground floor and was seated in a chair and then he left.

I called Andy crying and he agreed to come pick me up right away instead of at the end of his work day as we had planned.

When he arrived he said, "you don't look so good, what happened?"

I told him it was a long story, but I had been excused from jury duty.

I hope his turn at jury duty will be less eventful than mine.

Patiently Awaiting PiDay 2014

Life Changing Moment

I found out I was pregnant in July. It happened on a totally ordinary day and in a totally ordinary way. I don't know why but after years and years of struggling with infertility I guess I thought I would somehow just "know" if I was pregnant. I was totally wrong.

We had gone to the doctor to find out why I couldn't seem to lose any weight. I had been running and working out on a regular basis and I was not dropping any more weight.  I had just finished sharing my entire medical history with this new doctor including my long battle with infertility when she told me she had all new female patients take a pregnancy urine screen at their first appointment "just in case".

Andy and I both laughed and sarcastically told her if I was pregnant it would be a miracle and off I went to the bathroom. I handed my sample to the nurse and went to join Andy in the waiting room. We were reading magazines and talking when Andy said " I think you are pregnant, there is something different about you" I told him not to get his hopes up as this test would be the same as all the others and went back to reading my magazine.

Baby Spencer's first picture

 The nurse came out and took us back to her station and very casually she said "your screen was positive, you are pregnant." I swear time stood still, I could hear her talking but I could not understand what she was saying, all I could hear was "you are pregnant". We left the office and drove home and I told Andy that the test was wrong and not to believe it. He immediately went to the store and bought some pregnancy tests. I took one every morning of that week, positive every one. I told him they were all wrong so he went and bought a Clearblue Easy digital test and the results of that one were PREGNANT.

I still struggled to believe this was really happening so the Doctor ordered an Ultrasound. We had been through this before and the outcome had not been a baby but an extremely large ovarian cyst. I was too scared to look at the screen so I looked at Andy who started crying almost immediately and my heart sank, I thought, here we go again.

There's a bun in this oven!!!

The tech then said "see that, that is the baby's heartbeat" and I turned to look and the baby was moving!! It was clearly a baby and not a giant cyst as I had feared all along. I started bawling, I mean sobbing so hard that the tech told me that I needed to calm down or they could not get the readings she needed. We were indeed pregnant!!! It was one of  the most amazing experiences of my life seeing that movement on the screen. Both of us were openly crying and the tech asked "did you want this baby?" We both replied "yes, more than anything else in the world." I told her that I had prayed this baby into existence and we were definitely keeping it. She pointed out a few things and told us that we were about 8-10 weeks along and our estimated due date was March 14, 2014. Our baby was due on PiDay!!

PiDay has always been a big deal here at the Spencer household and now we really had something to celebrate. This baby was indeed ours.

 We were cautioned to wait until we had completed our first trimester before we shared our news as we were not out of the woods just yet.

Baby Spencer!!!

Due to my paranoia about losing the pregnancy, Andy purchased a fetal doppler so we could monitor the heartbeat from home and we agreed that we would tell absolutely no one about this pregnancy. (That did not last very long as I had to explain to a judge why I could not serve as a juror on a 14 day trial and why it was absolutely imperative that I be allowed to leave the court room ASAP to throw up in a nearby trashcan.) This was not my finest moment. On the plus side, I was excused from jury duty and released to leave for the day. I don't think anyone was very jealous of me.

True to his scientific nature, Andy has been meticulous in all his baby related measurements. We have several recordings of the baby's heartbeat, my growing waist size, (yippee) and all other pregnancy related measurements. He takes extensive notes during each prenatal visit, reminds me to take my prenatal vitamins, and is always admonishing me to "take it easy". He says "goodnight baby, I love you, keep growing" to my tummy every night and he has a recording of the baby's heartbeat on his phone and is willing to share it with anyone who cares to listen. I think it is fair to say he is as excited as I am.

We went for our anatomy ultrasound on October, 17. The baby registered a strong and solid heartbeat, two feet, and two hands with fingers and toes and all other accompanying body parts as expected. It now looks like a real baby and everything appears to be on track developmentally. All appears to be well with our child and for that I am eternally grateful. (I may finally sleep a little tonight)

Looking very pregnant and feeling it.

The real question I'm sure everyone is asking (including Andy and I)  is "What are you having?" After 3+ hours of being at the clinic, climbing stairs, doing jumping jacks, and drinking more water in an effort to turn the baby we were successful!!! But the baby had it's foot between it's legs and stubbornly refused to reveal it's gender despite everyone's best efforts.

It looks like we will be making that particular announcement at a later date and time... this baby is very modest already.

In case you were wondering..

I crave Triscuits, potatoes, and every variety of carbohydrate, especially bread and pasta. I can no longer eat chocolate, eggs of any sort, and especially cannot handle strawberries,  it is so weird because I used to love them. The worst thing I have thrown up was Jello and I suspect I will never be able to eat it again :)

No, that's not an NFL linebacker..

 This baby likes salad in all varieties, does not tolerate ice cream of any type, and enjoys waking me up every morning at 3 am with an urgency to eat unlike anything I have ever felt before.

My hair is out of control frizzy, I look deathly pale even with makeup, and I am really enjoying my second go around as a pimple faced adolescent. I know absolutely nothing about myself or my body anymore and everything takes me longer than it used to and I have had dizzy spells all along the way. For the first time ever in our relationship Andy walks faster than me!

 Everyday is a new adventure and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to be a mother and carry a child of my own. I want you to know that I know that the Lord hears and answers prayers, he knows the desires of our hearts, and he never gives up on us even if we have given up on ourselves.

We could not be more thrilled with our 10th Wedding Anniversary present and we appreciate all the love and support we have felt from all of you over the years as we have struggled to have a family. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as you are always in ours.
 
With much Love and a Feeling of Total Elation and Excitement words cannot adequately express, and with a sense of total impatience that March cannot possibly come fast enough this year.


Melissa, Andy, and Baby Spencer 

Nostalgia

Andy and I went home to Vernal for the Fourth of July. It had been awhile since we had been back. The town has changed so much it was really shocking to me. There are more places to shop than Walmart and Kmart. They even have a Cafe Rio! Even more shocking than the town itself was how much our families have grown and changed.

It is much easier to deny change when you do not witness it first hand. It is easy to pretend that people are not getting on with life and moving on when you are not part of it day in day out.


Aside from being a few sizes bigger than we started out Andy and I have not changed all that much in the 9ish years we have been married. We spend our time with each other and we have gotten used to each other. I noticed that especially when we had to interact with other people during this trip home. Being around others required adaption and a clearer level of communication than either of us was used to. We had to finish sentences and ideas so others could understand us. :)

I cannot tell you how shocking it was to see Andy's nieces and nephew's showing off wedding rings, handing out wedding invites, and, chasing their small children around while we ate. I found out many of  Andy's nieces and nephews are in High School now and a few of them are going to Graduate next summer. Graduate!!

There were children at this gathering that I remember seeing in the hospital for the first time and they were now discussing driving cars and going to Stake Dances. When did this happen?
Granted, we had received baptism announcements, mission notices and wedding invites in the mail. But being face to face with the reality of the passing of time was hard to swallow. When did people we went to High school with start running businesses, holding public office, and raising school aged children!? When did I get so old?


 (I told a 14 year old girl in my ward that I remembered when we didn't have the Internet or cell phones and she looked at me like was I was crazy and said "That must have been a long time ago" Um, not really.

I was scanning our wedding photos into my computer and I came across this photo

By Summer's end three of these children we will be married! (Two already are) I remember that day like it just barely happened. I swear it was just yesterday.

What happened?

Thoughts on Homemaking

Being domestic is hard.


The home I grew up in was very small for the family that it contained. It prepared me well to live in small spaces as a newlywed and as a Southern Californian. It did not prepare me well for maintaining and keeping a clean and orderly home.

I grew up in a constant state of chaos where very few things had their own place where they actually "belonged". We cleaned up when we had company, and put things where they would fit at the time. This was no one's fault. It is the reality of living in a home you are remodeling yourself in your spare time. Somethings never seem to get done, somethings disappear never to be seen again, and basic chores are much more challenging.
 
I may have brought that laissez- faire attitude towards housework with me when I married. It did not become really apparent until I moved here. When we lived in Utah I worked and went to school, so did my husband. We were happy if the bed got made and the clothes we wore were clean. We were not slobs, we just did not have the time or the effort to do much more than the basics of housework. As I have adjusted to being unemployed I have noticed what a terrible housekeeper I have been all these years.

I have the good fortune of associating with other women who I have been able to glean knowledge from. These women put the home in homemaking. They are well established mothers and housekeepers who take great pride in the work they do within the walls of their own homes. They make their own bread, clean with vinegar and baking soda, budget every dollar as carefully as possible and they have weekly meal plans. They craft amazing things from household items and their homes are comfortable and clean. I began to realize that our home was different as I started visiting teaching.

This is one of the many reasons that I love Relief Society, it is a place to learn from other women. So I started asking for tips, observing others, and I joined Pinterest which all the ladies in the ward were familiar with.

As I was talking with my friend Melissa (What are the chances I'd befriend another Melissa, right?) It dawned on me that homemaking was my new job. I had all power within the walls of my own home. I did not have to live in chaos anymore.All these years, I had felt some degree of powerlessness over my surroundings . She shared a quote from the Ensign about the importance of the home and the work done within it's walls.It touched me deeply. I could lay my own foundation, the foundation to the new life. It was very empowering and inspiring.

(Melissa is the kind of Melissa I hope to grow into someday. She is master and commander of her household. Things run efficiently and smoothly. She bakes, budgets, and mothers in a way that I had not been exposed to before. She is a inspiration to me and I hope to be more like her. She is a quiet woman of great faith who is a talented wife and mother. She understands how to nurture others, a skill that I greatly admire. I have a lot of respect for her and feel lucky to have met her.)

One morning I awoke with a desire to accomplish something. So, I cleaned off my dresser and made the bed. The clean side of the room only highlighted the messy side (Andy's side) so I started working on that too. Little by little I started taking charge of the house room by room, becoming more encouraged with each completed project. As I cleaned and sorted I had time to ponder where I have been and where I want to go.

It seems that I came to California for Life Detox. I had so much poison and hurt in my body and soul. I didn't realize the danger I was in at the time. I see now that things could not have continued that way much longer. I was burning out, losing myself in my grief and the negativity that surrounded me.

While here I have been flushing and stripping away all my bad habits, healing my body and spirit, and getting rid of the things that have been holding me back.  Just as I sorted my boxes and put things in their place in my home, so too have I been able to do so with my life and my life experiences.

 I will always be grateful to my Heavenly Father for this season in my life. I have had a chance to serve and learn from others and I am constantly being blessed with opportunities to better myself and try new things. The Lord has been mindful of me and my house. I am now fully awake. I feel like my life has balance for the first time in years.

I write this post from the comfort of my completely clean and organized Southern California condo. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place for the first time in my adult life. It feels good.

I wonder what I will do next?

Baking, Budgeting, Homemaking, the sky is the limit. It all seems possible from where I sit.








 

Baking

I have been baking lately. Don't act too shocked. We always knew that I was capable, it is a part of my DNA after all.

 Recently, my ward had a dessert auction to help off set the cost of YM/ YW camp. A few weeks prior to the auction a sign up sheet went around Relief Society asking for the ladies to make something to sell at said auction. I ignored it the first two Sundays that it came my way. I have never been a strong participator when it comes to these types of things. I'm not sure why, I just never have.

The third Sunday the sheet came back around I happened to be sitting next to two woman who eagerly signed their names to the list. One of which I know first hand is capable of following a recipe on Pintrest and have it turn out just like the featured picture.

Very impressive and way out of my league. I don't even have a Pintrest account. I'm not sure what possessed me to do it but I added my name to the list and promptly forgot all about it.

A few weeks later, I was talking to said friend about upcoming events and she mentioned the auction, a small bell of panic went off in my head as I remembered I had signed up to bring a cheesecake.

What was I thinking?

I called Catherine, guardian to my mother's culinary creations and secrets, and she gave me the recipe. It should be noted I have made this cheesecake before a long time ago, in my mother's kitchen, under her tutelage, for one of my dear husband's early married birthdays. That was a long time ago in a land far, far, away in a kitchen much larger and better equipped than my present postage-stamp sized one.

After consulting Andy it was determined that I should make a tester cake prior to the auction in case anything need to be tweaked ( I suspect he also wanted to be able to eat cheesecake) or in case something went horribly amiss there was no need to kill or sicken any unsuspecting ward members, we could keep that type of thing within the family.

The appointed morning came. I carefully measured and followed the directions Catherine had given me and the cheesecake turned out wonderfully. No cracks!! It really was a thing of beauty, it looked exactly like my mother's. Who knew I was capable of such amazing feats of domesticity?

Success!!

On what can only be described as a baker's high. I made Banana Bread Bars with frosting and decided to add them to my humble dessert auction offerings. They too looked amazing. Nothing could stop me now!
I then proceeded to make Banana Bread. I was really getting this baking thing down.

Banana Bread Bars

Flush off of  my domestic success of the previous two days I again carefully followed the directions and measured everything precisely to make the final cheesecake.

And the cheesecake came out of the oven with a crack running down the middle of the top the size of the San Andres fault line.

What the?!!

As I called Catherine I tried to conceal my utter disappointment and panic. There was no time to bake yet another cheesecake, the dress rehearsal was over. I was staring down the barrel of opening night.

Catherine comfortingly lied through her teeth as she told me that cracking on the top of the cheesecake was normal and I could camouflage said crack with some strawberries and whipped cream and no one would be the wiser. Yeah, that might have worked if I was Catherine and was as handy with a whip cream container as she is. This is me we are talking about.

After Andy saw what I did with the whip cream and a practice Oreo cookie he helpfully suggested I cover the top with crushed up cookie instead, saving all involved from what would have surely been a whipped cream covered disaster.

After a harrowing trip from our house to the church, I handed over my cheesecake to a young Scout who apparently did not hear me say to be careful as the cheesecake was not firmly anchored to the plate and it could easily slide onto the floor.

 He almost dropped it right there at the door.

Black and White Cheesecake

Miraculously, my cheesecake survived the trip to the stage and was placed with the other dessert offerings. I breathed a sigh of relief.

The auction started and the bidding came fast and furious. Close to the end my cheesecake came up. I was nervous, not for a good price, but because I had been watching the way the Scout boys were picking up and displaying desserts.

I held my breath as he picked up my plate to show it off. Andy told me to look away. He was nervous too. I heard the audience gasp as the cheesecake slid towards the edge of the plate coming perilously close to the edge of the plate and the stage floor. I felt the pressure on my hand as Andy commanded me to look away. I did as I was told. Somehow disaster was averted and the auction carried on.

The price kept going up, and up. I could not believe my ears! I still had my eyes closed. Finally, a price was agreed upon. $70 for my cheesecake!! As the hand off between Scout and buyer took place I heard another audible gasp and looked up to see some sort of commotion a few tables over.

 I could not see what was happening, but I was pretty sure it meant I owed the buyer another cheesecake to replace the one that had been dropped on the floor.

I was wrong. The cake had indeed slid off the plate and into the forehead of a small child sitting at the table and bounced back into its place on the plate. Luckily, he was part of the buyer's family so no harm was done.

They said it was delicious.

In Memory of Deborah K. Southam

I never wondered if my mother wanted to be a mother.

Growing up I heard over and over how much my parents wanted children and how they were told by multiple doctors they would never have any. After four long years of tears and struggle, magically, miraculously, my mom became pregnant with me.

I have been waiting 5 years now for my magical miraculous and I am starting to think that it may not be coming.

When she was alive and we would talk about my infertility my mother would say  "doctors don't know everything." Well, I just finished sitting through my 10th married mother's day sacrament meeting. I cried through the primary's rendition of  "Mother I love you" and I obligatorily stood up at the end of the meeting to receive my token with all the other women in the ward (Dove Chocolate pieces in a small bag.) and I can't stop myself from wondering, where is my miracle?

Andy and I recently plunked down a significant amount of money to go see a doctor who told us there was 25% chance we could be pregnant in 90 days. If I was willing to undergo their procedures, take their drugs, and pay the fees associated. She said we could trick my body into getting pregnant she couldn't promise I would stay pregnant, but they could make me pregnant.

I felt hopeful for the first time in years! A doctor thought I could get pregnant! It would be expensive, and invasive, but I could get pregnant.

It was at that moment I wished I could talk to my mom more than I had at anytime since she passed  away.  I wanted to talk to my mom, a person who would understand what it is like to desire a child and be denied time and time again. Oh, how I missed her then! How I longed to talk to her one more time!

It seems lately, I am being haunted by her; I made her cheesecake the other day and I could have sworn she was with me in my kitchen. It made me start thinking about who my mom was.

She was the woman who was there whenever I needed her. She healed scrapes, bruises and more than once a broken heart. She baked amazing cookies, cheesecake, and banana bread. She never used a recipe, she knew them by heart. She was cultured, she had traveled, she was educated, and intelligent. She told me she always wanted to be a Mom.

 She played the piano, she sang, and she loved music of all kinds and taught us to love it too. She sang in the community version of the Messiah every year for as long as I can remember. She was the only person I ever  knew who knew all the Hymns by heart.

  Many a family road trip soundtrack included Ray Stevens, John Denver, and The Irish Rovers.  It was not rare in our house to burst into a show tune song at the least provocation. I thought everyone did that.

 She made the best potato salad, and loved hosting BBQ events from her patio. She loved reading Better Homes and Gardens and trying out new recipes. She was fearless and famous in the kitchen.

Oh, and could she sew!  I had some of the nicest dance dresses growing up because she made them for me. She made outfits, pj's, play clothes and more than a few school play costumes as well as Barbie clothes.

I had the privilege of spending the most important day of my life wearing the wedding dress she made for me. I will always treasure the memory of people commenting on the beauty and craftsmanship of my dress as they came down our receiving line. She crocheted and quilted countless blankets over the years for family and friends, in fact she was working on one when she died. She did cross stitch, embroidery, and she knit.

She was the best Trivial Pursuit player this world has ever seen. She remembered everything about everything. She was a die hard fan of the Atlanta Braves, Utah Jazz, and the Uintah High School marching band. She was proud to be an Army mom. She was proud to be an American. She was member of DAR and the DUP. She knew everything about the British Royal family and could explain the reason for all their pomp and circumstance. She relished Traditions.

She was a woman of Faith. She loved the Lord and her Family and gave them all she had to give. She taught me service because she gave service. She knew the scriptures by heart, taught amazing Relief Society lessons, and quietly assisted countless sisters as they worshiped at the Vernal temple. She knew all about genealogy and when she talked about our ancestors it was like she actually knew and loved them. She was proud of our heritage.

She sacrificed new shoes, hairdos, and never having a new car, so we could have letter jackets, uniforms, and all the other things teenage kids seem need. I never heard her complain. She was a hard worker, at times working two jobs to make ends meet.

She faithfully planted a garden year after year which never seemed to yield anything other than weeds and green beans. Yet she persevered. I suspect because she was not raising a garden, she was raising four children who needed something to weed.

She was there the day I graduated from Uintah, Utah State University, (twice), and held my hand at Primary Children's when I had life changing neurosurgery at 15. She drove me to Salt Lake every six months from the age of 15 till I turned 18. I always remember those trips with fondness, she made them so fun. She held my hand again in Aug. 2011 two weeks before she died, reassuring me that everything was going to be just fine. She was the first person I saw when I crossed the veil in the temple for the first time.

She loved Olive Garden, JoAnn's fabric, and the Distribution center and she was a big fan of Walmart and the Dollar Store. She loved the deal and she could coupon with the best of them. (She was the best of them.) Carnations were her favorite flower. She loved my Dad and we all knew it.

She was my Aunt Becky's best friend, and she could never understand why Alicia and I could not get along while we were growing up. She made us sing Love at Home when we were mad at each other and she constantly admonished us to "try and get a long." and reminded us she wanted "no empty chairs."

 I never met a woman more excited to become a Grandma than she was when Alicia found out she was pregnant with Stephanie. She relished being Grandma Southam and loved spending time with all her grand kids.

 She taught me modesty, manners, and culture. She encouraged me, and inspired me. I still walk in her shadow even today, and she's been gone almost two years.

 If you knew her you were changed by her, you couldn't help it, it was who she was.

She was many things to many people, but to me she will always be Mom.